Rogue 10: Ten Weapons Only Arnold Schwarzenegger Could Wield So Well

Wednesday, 26 March 2014 10:16 Written by  Jordan DeSaulnier
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Rogue 10: Ten Weapons Only Arnold Schwarzenegger Could Wield So Well

To an Arnold Schwarzenegger character, the entire world is an armory.

Over the course of his nearly forty-year movie career, the action star has unleashed all manner of weaponized fury using seemingly every type of gun known to man.  The former Mr. Universe himself has quippily commented on his association with firearms, saying, "I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun."

In this Friday's Sabotage, then, Schwarzenegger has a whole lot of love interests.  He plays John "Breacher" Wharton, the alpha dog and father figure in an elite, balls-to-the-wall DEA task force.  After Breacher's crew pulls off an audacious raid on a cartel safe house, $10 million in ill-gotten gains go missing.  All ten members of the task force are suspects.  Before long, they're being picked off one by one, and Breacher must get to the bottom of the case before it's too late for him and everyone he cares about.

Breacher, like so many Schwarzeneggerian heroes, knows his way around a gun.  But here's the thing about Arnold: He's no mere gunslinger.  This iconic, unstoppable slab of meat doesn't need to pull a trigger to demolish an enemy.  He'll utilize any aspect of his environment to mop the floor with a henchman foolish enough to cross him, and he'll deliver a killer zinger, too.

To Arnold Schwarzenegger, almost any item – no matter how innocuous, ordinary, or even intangible – is a potentially devastating means of wiping out bad guys.  

With Sabotage hitting theaters, we've decided to dedicate our latest Rogue 10 to Schwarzenegger and his most outlandish, most iconic, most enjoyable weaponized mayhem.  From simple swords to million-dollar aircraft to the ultimate subtle weapon, here are our ten weapons that only Arnold Schwarzenegger could have wielded so well:

10. Pen, The Running Man

Any action star can lay waste to a bunch of bad guys with a bigass gun or nuclear warhead, but it's truly rare for a cinematic slugger to turn a rollerball into an efficient instrument of violence.  It just goes to show, if you're an obnoxious, greedy little stooge working for a televised death-gasm, don't let a doomed contestant sign his paperwork on your back.  We like to imagine that Arnold's character, Ben Richards, always dots his i's with that kind of stabbing force.

9. Lethal Steel, Conan the Barbarian

Thulsa Doom, the killer of Conan's parents and all-around evil bastard, claims flesh is stronger than steel. Conan emphatically rebuts this assertion by brutally decapitating Doom with the sword of the Barbarian's father.  Riddle of steel indeed.

8. Harrier Jump Jet, True Lies

Like any father, Harry Tasker just wants to keep his teenage daughter (a pre-Buffy Eliza Dushku) safe.  If that involves commandeering a Harrier jet to rescue her from a precarious position on a crane and spout of a punny one-liner before vaporizing a terrorist mastermind, then so be it.

7. Lady's Head That's a Disguise But Also a Bomb, Total Recall

Oddly enough, this is kind of the most self-explanatory entry on the list.  Just goes to show that when you combine Arnold and Paul Verhoeven, what you get is magic.

6. Ice Cream Cone, Last Action Hero

Okay, it's not like Jack Slater – a Schwarzeneggerian spoof within a Schwarzeneggerian spoof – walks up to a henchman and just stabs him with an ice cream cone.  No, that would be ridiculous.  Instead, in the middle of a car chase, he shoots one henchman, who then goes soaring out of a pickup truck and into an ice cream truck, which then explodes, sending a cone into the back of another henchman's head.  Sort of sums up Last Action Hero's double-barreled mockery/embrace of action movie cliches, doesn't it?

5. Iron-Fisted Discipline, Kindergarten Cop

Faced with an enemy he can't simply beat senseless, hard-as-nails cop John Kimble is initially overwhelmed.  It's only by screaming and imposing a non-negotiable classroom police state on his pint-sized charges that this undercover educator is able to overcome the odds.  Ultimately, his tyrannical discipline saves their young lives.

4. Chevy Nova (1975), Terminator

Very, very few public figures have ever gotten more mileage out of a simple catchphrase than Schwarzenegger has out of "I'll be back."  Since that line became a seemingly permanent fixture in popular culture, we forget that what really makes it work is that the T-800 fulfills his promise by driving a car directly into a police station.  Specifically, into the desk jockey at the front desk who dared to suggest the killing robot take a seat.

3. Alligators, Eraser

In perhaps the most illustrative moment of his entire acting career, Schwarzenegger shoots a giant digital alligator and even drops a sweet, sweet two-word bon mot in this deliriously goofy Eraser moment.  It's a bit of lunacy that has rightly become semi-infamous, but it's important to remember that it was Arnold's laconic John Kruger who let the gators out in the first place, turning them loose against the bad guys who foolishly went up against him in a zoo.  Only Arnold could unleash a gator of such ferocity, and only Arnold could put it down so gracefully.

2. Minigun, Terminator 2: Judgment Day

If the minigun were a man, it would look a lot like Schwarzenegger.  And vice-versa. The only conventional gun on this list, the minigun made the cut because it's so very much like Arnold himself: impractically huge and unwieldy, possessed of absolutely zero subtlety, and so over the top it's kind of funny.  Yet once it gets cooking, it's an explosive spectacle from which you just can't tear your eyes.

1. His Mind, Pumping Iron

You don't become a four-time Mr. Universe winner and Governor of the most populous state in the Union just by having big muscles slathered in baby oil.  No, Arnold Schwarzenegger conquered the worlds of bodybuilding and acting – and engaged in a truly surreal political misadventure – by way not of his brawny, greased-up physicality.  Instead, Arnold's greatest weapons have always been his superior guile and Sun Tzu-style psychological meticulousness.

Sabotage, directed by David Ayer, hits theaters nationwide this Friday, March 28th.

Bonus: Diamond-Powered Ice Blaster, Batman & Robin

A proper villain in an overblown nightmare of a toyetic comic book movie doesn't just have a signature weapon.  He also uses it recklessly against his own henchman and follows up every single use with a truly terrible quip and/or pun.

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