Rogue 10: Ten Cinematic Blonde Bombshells

Wednesday, 14 March 2012 12:46 Written by  Jordan DeSaulnier
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Rogue 10: Ten Cinematic Blonde Bombshells

The Blu-ray and DVD release of My Week With Marilyn has us ruminating a bit.  When you think of a "blonde bombshell," with all connotations of physical idealization and centerfold lasciviousness, you immediately picture Marilyn Monroe.  In her Oscar-nominated performance Michelle Williams portrays Monroe a person of complexity, not separating her from her timeless sex-symbol status, but instead contextualing her sexuality as place as just one element both her public and private personas. 

It's a performance and a representation that calls for a different notion of the blonde bombshell, one not quite so exclusively dependent on physical perfection.

We might have simply trotted out a list of every gorgeous, captivating blonde from Brigitte Bardot to Adrianne Palicki.  Indeed we could've, but for this Rogue 10, we have instead focused on fictional characters who aren't bombshells because they're blonde, but are noteworthy bombshells who happen to be blonde.  These are blonde bombshells who do more than simply stun you with stupendous glamor and gorgeousness, they stop you dead with something special.

Here they are, in no particular order:

The Bride (Uma Thurman), Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2

The Bride, whose true name remains a secret until late into Tarantino's two-film epic, isn't just a statuesque blonde beauty.  Nope, she's a statuesque blond beauty who's a world-class assassin, wields Hanzo steel, can decimate enemies of seemingly any number, and won't stop until she has her richly deserved bloody revenge.

Missy (Amy Stock-Poynton), Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Inspiring Oedipal comlexes since 1989, first as the stepmom of Bill S. Preston, esq. in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and then as Ted Theodore Logan's stepmom in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.  Last we saw of Missy ("I mean Mom"), she was making national headlines for her third marriage, hooking up with notorious time-traveling villain De Nomolos (Joss Ackland).

Barbie (Jodie Benson), Toy Story 3

She is literally a Barbie, and many would naturally assume that the living toy would be a vacuous ditz, but this Barbie is smarter than even she knows.  She is instrumental in her compatriots' escape, paraphrases the Declaration of Independence, redeems Ken (Michael Keaton), and transforms Sunnyside from a prison to a utopia.

Jenna Handley (Bo Derek), 10

Popularized the slow-motion beach run long before Baywatch and proved that cornrows can theoretically work on a blonde.  Two for ten.

Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation

Okay, this one is cheating with a TV character.  As Deputy Parks Director and Pawnee City Council candidate, Amy Poehler is the indomitable center of an ensemble in which every single player is a scene-stealer.  The proud Pawnee local possesses basically any laudable quality in abundance.  She's unfailingly idealistic, honest, strong, loyal, hopeful, and even practical.  What's more, she brings out the best in everyone around her.  Vote Knope.

"White Chicks" (Shawn Wayans and Marlon Wayans), White Chicks

Who said blonde bombshells can't actually be African American men stuffed into makeup that turns them into horrifying hotel heiresses?  Oh wait, common sense.  Common sense said that.  My bad.

Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

In the cartoonishly chauvinistic world of 1970s San Diego local news, Veronica Corningstone not only holds her own against unrelentingly advances from the likes of Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), but she goes toe-to-toe with alpha male Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and temporarily ruins his entire life when he has it coming.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Thor, The Avengers

6'3'' with flowing blonde locks, a thoroughly flamboyant sense of style, and a total obliviousness to being oogled by other characters and the camera itself, the God of Thunder may be in possession of a Y chromosome, but it's hard to argue the dude isn't a bombshell.  He's also a bit of a prima donna, throwing hissy fits that ruin dining rooms and start cosmic wars with Frost Giants.

Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway), Bonnie and Clyde

Yeah, Bonnie Parker was, along with her lover Clyde Barrow, a real bank robber in the 1920's, but the movie version is romanticized and fictionalized enough to qualify.  Dunaway's Bonnie is played as something of a cool bandit crusader, one who is bold and loyal to her man all the way up until they're both being pumped full of lead by Johnny Law.

Miss Piggy, The Muppet Show, The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, The Muppets, et al.

Since first conquering television in the mid-seventies, Miss Piggy has been a leading lady for almost four decades, starring in no less than seven movies, starting with 1979's The Muppet Movie and continuing through last year's The Muppets.  Originally voiced by Frank Oz and most recently by Eric Jacobsen, Piggy herself hasn't aged a day, nor has her confidence waned in the slightest.  Miss Piggy always makes pork look pretty.

My Week With Marilyn is currently available for purchase on Blu-ray and DVD.  You can also enter IAR's My Week With Marilyn contest to win the Blu-ray and a a copy of the book by Colin Clark.

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